Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
