You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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