This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
