i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have tasted many bathrooms
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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