I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize