what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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