i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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