The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
