Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize