Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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