Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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