well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
