somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
