i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
