in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
COCAINE IS GR8
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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