What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
