Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
