So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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