why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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