So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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