You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
