at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
