erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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