That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
