I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
