he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
