...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
