he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
