I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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