I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
