decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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