I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We are all done wearing pants today
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
