u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
