you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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