i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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