Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
