used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
