tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
