I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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