haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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