Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
