My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
