I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I pour the whiskey from now on
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize