is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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