My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
