I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize