overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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