Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
