btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
