So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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