If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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