no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
