im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
