sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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