you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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