Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
