I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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